Transmuting Your Triggers Into Tools
It’s sometimes through the very things that we believe control us that we can reclaim our power.
If there’s one thing that my people-pleasing and anxiety have teamed up to give me is the ability to get even the most tedious things done. It’s a skill I pride myself on and has helped me throughout my life, whether in work or relationship settings. I’ve often dissected this skill to get a better understanding of how it functions (especially since in many scary or uncomfortable scenarios I can also be incredibly avoidant) and I’ve realized that the key component to my ability to get things done is that I don’t give myself another option.
This might sound like I have incredible discipline, but really it’s that I’ve been better at taming my people-pleasing and anxiety in a way that allows me to use them for my benefit. When I’m needed by someone, my people-pleasing will kick in and do everything in its power to satisfy that person’s needs. This can often be to my emotional detriment, which leads me to feel depleted and resentful. However, as I’ve learned how to better understand the tendencies and triggers of my people-pleasing, I now recognize that if I also include myself in the definition of “people” then I’m just as likely to put that same effort toward myself. If I need to please people to feel worthy and valuable, and I am also a person, then doing whatever I can to satisfy my own needs will provide those same feelings of worth. Shifting my perception in this way has been a years-long process, so I’m not saying it’ll happen overnight, but it’s just one example of how it’s possible to use what you might initially considered a weakness as a way to strengthen your relationship with yourself.
With regard to my anxiety, it’s often a response to inevitabilities that I know I can’t necessarily control, such as medical issues. I’ve been this way since I was a child, knowing that most of the terrifying things in this life are those completely out of your control and influence. Due to this, my anxiety doesn’t see certain habits or behaviours as an option because they are the only semblance of control I might be able to have over the uncontrollable. An example is physical exercise—while working out won’t solve all my problems and stave off every disease, it’s a habit that has proven positive effects and that I see as a necessity more than a practice of vanity. I’m fairly consistent with participating in some physical exercise daily simply because my anxiety doesn’t see it as an option. If I’m anxious about a force much greater than myself, but there are small tools that might (if at all possible) be able to slow or prevent its negative effects, then it’s not a question of will or discipline because the option of not doing it no longer exists.
Of course, physical exercise isn’t something that everyone can easily and willfully practice, nor is it an issue of morality whether you do or don’t. This concept of not having another option can apply to anything in your life that you believe requires your effort but might not always be the easiest when it involves stepping out of your comfort zone. While I’ve worked for years on curbing my people-pleasing tendencies and anxiety, I’ve also learned that even if they’re still present within you, they can be transmuted and repurposed for your benefit. Throughout my personal development journey, I’ve had to reluctantly accept that some tendencies or impulses might never fully dissolve, but that you can live a life of alignment regardless. It’s more about understanding how your tendencies function and what beliefs or narratives they require to operate to your benefit rather than your detriment.
It can be as easy as slipping into a warm bath after a long day to slip into the mindset that your people-pleasing, perfectionism, anxiety, avoidance, etc. are only ever sources of pain and discomfort for you, but that might not always be true. While, of course, these traits can all lead to a lot of pain and suffering, they can also (as I’ve experienced through my own practice of reframing) be wrangled and tamed enough so that you can still cultivate a life that feels somewhat okay to exist within. For me, my debilitating and insufferable traits have also led me to maintain consistent routines, caring for myself even when it’s tedious, and just getting things done when it can sometimes seem impossible.
My people-pleasing and anxiety don’t allow me to consider certain habits as an option, so I fulfill them even when I don’t feel like it. This is a mindset that I’ve also extended to other areas of my life where my people-pleasing and anxiety don’t apply, proving that it’s a tool I can implement rather than only an impulse that controls me. At this point in my journey, when there are tasks I want to get done purely from my own desire (i.e. working on my creative projects), I don’t give myself another option than to do it. If you’re like me, when something is a desire, it can feel less important or urgent to complete than the things that trigger your people-pleasing or anxiety. It can be easier to put the desires off, possibly as a way to inadvertently express the autonomy or control you believe you lack, only to then realize that you’ve prevented yourself from implementing the only control you have—action. While not giving yourself another option might appear to be the opposite of control, it’s actually encouraging the kind of action that can provide the sense of freedom you’re seeking.
It’s sometimes through the very things that we believe control us that we can reclaim our power. Just because you’ve struggled with certain traits or impulses throughout your life, doesn’t mean you’re doomed to be a victim to them forever. While you might never be able to fully heal or rid yourself of them, there’s still the possibility of understanding how they can positively function in your life. So, if you’re struggling to get things done, consider what not giving yourself another option might look like for you. Or, if you’re struggling with something different than what I’ve discussed in this essay, what traits do you currently feel trapped by that can be repurposed for your liberation? How can you reframe the way you see yourself in order to transmute your triggers into tools?
