If You Don’t Decide on Something, Something Will Be Decided for You
Not choosing is also, unfortunately, a choice. It’s a statement to yourself that you surrender even the slightest bit of control you might have in this life.
Decisions are a vital part of life, yet, we’ll refuse to make them. We’ll convince ourselves there might be a better option if we just wait a little longer. We’ll feel the pressure of having to commit to something that we aren’t a hundred percent certain about. We’ll put them off and put them off until it’s too late to choose anything at all. Once that happens, a choice is made for us.
The paradox of choice is something I’ve had to contend with throughout my life. As someone who feels safer with complete control, you’d think making decisions was my forte. On the contrary, deciding on something feels just as terrifyingly uncertain as revoking my ability to choose. Forcing myself to commit to something when there are a plethora of options in life becomes so overwhelming that, at a certain point, it feels almost safer to let the choice be made for me, to be told what I want and what to do. However, of course, this is also equally as dissatisfying because it never feels authentic. So, I end up sandwiched between having all the control and risking choosing something that doesn’t work out, and between not taking any control only to end up being given something that doesn’t align with me. In this scenario, it feels like there’s no winning. It feels hopeless.
I’ve worked on this extensively in therapy the last few years and my biggest takeaway has been that if you don’t choose something, the choice will be made for you whether you like it or not. Not choosing is also, unfortunately, a choice. It’s a statement to yourself that you surrender even the slightest bit of control you might have in this life, that you would rather let the fear of change dictate your decisions rather than your decisions dictating your fear.
So, if a decision is going to be made whether you take action or not, it’s important to consider what sacrifices you’re willing to make. There will be a sacrifice either way and there’s no avoiding that regardless of how much your ego or fear kick and scream. Life is a series of letting gos—you either let go of who you are now to intentionally step into who you are inevitably becoming, or you let go of who you are becoming to suffocate in the version of you you’ve already experienced.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying your life as it is and not wanting it to change. Wanting to stay where you are now and indulge in your present circumstances isn’t always a pathology. What I’m trying to emphasize with this essay (and what I’ve had to learn the hard way) is that your present circumstances will change regardless of what you do or don’t do. Change is the only promise in this life. So, while it’s great to let yourself enjoy what you have and be sad to let it go, it’s also doing you a disservice to hold onto something for longer than it’s meant to be with you. Even the sweetest, most delicious fruit will begin to rot if you don’t eat it fast enough.
This isn’t to encourage rushing through your life or always trying to find the new best thing to satisfy your physical, emotional, or spiritual cravings. It’s to illustrate that your life is meant to be lived and the only way to live it to the fullest is to utilize your power of deciding. You won’t always be able to make an aligned or clear-cut decision and, in that case, accepting your lack of choice can also be seen as an intentional decision. It can open up space for self-forgiveness and self-compassion because, despite what your ego might want you to believe, you are only human and are subject to the tides of life. Decision-making is the boat you’re given to help you navigate the tumultuous waters.
There’s no denying that life is full of pain, struggle, and dissatisfaction; acceptance does not equate to bypassing or disregarding these experiences. Honouring your ability to choose (even if limited at times) reflects your willingness to honour your past, present, and future self despite their circumstances. Your decision might even be to not make a decision, and that’s okay—the key is intention and awareness. When you decide (even if you decide to not decide) you are taking back some of the power you have to cultivate a life on your terms if and when possible. It won’t always be possible, and that’s also part of life. But when it is, even if minutely, show yourself the respect of making a decision. It doesn’t have to be right or perfect—you just have to decide one way or the other.
Of course, this is so much easier said than done. I still forget to take control of this power when possible and slide back into the habit of letting things be decided for me due to my indecision. But, the more I practice it, the more my self-trust and self-worth strengthen. They aren’t perfect (and I don’t think they ever will be), but they’re at least becoming stable enough to carry me forward in ways that I never imagined would be possible when I was younger, all thanks to my decision to decide.
Or a Rush put it... "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice" - Freewill
This came at the right moment. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and inadvertently giving me the courage I needed to take a very big (positive) leap in my life 🌱