I Write Because I Need Answers
For me, writing has been less about honing the craft and more about using it as a tool to tether me to reality.
My earliest memories of writing were in the basement of my grandmother’s bungalow. The house itself no longer exists—it’s been sold, torn down, and rebuilt into a modern two-story starter home—but the memories created there still live solid and sturdy within me. I used to scribble away on loose sheets of paper or, when I finally got the chance to upgrade to technology, would type short stories into one of my mother’s old work laptops. The stories weren’t good, of course, but they were my gateway into the art of writing as a form of introspection.
I didn’t start properly journaling until I was in my late teens, so fiction writing was what I used to examine the human condition. I would see myself in these characters, regardless of gender, and have them explore their world much in the ways I would or would have liked to as an introverted only child. These characters were free and confident in the ways I felt I could never be. They allowed me to pretend, to create, to test things out, and to see what stuck. Some aspects of their personalities stayed with me, others were left behind as I aged because they weren’t expansive in the ways I needed them to be.
Looking back, I will admit that I became a compilation of characters. It was easier to hide behind them than to be brazenly myself because I never knew what that meant. The self was a concept that pre-teen to early twenties Kat hadn’t been exposed to yet, not with the voracity that I experience it now. It was only when I started journaling consistently and intentionally that I began to understand myself outside of the characters I’d created…for the most part. I can’t say I’ve ever fully stepped out from behind some sort of character—a figure to protect me against the scrutiny and judgment that child me still deeply fears—but I’ve definitely been more willing to throughout the years.
The person I present online isn’t one hundred percent who I am, but she isn’t a lie. She is a specific part of me, the most intentional part. She has a clear purpose and she doesn’t need to question it. She shows up, does what she’s called to do, and rests until she’s needed again. This isn’t to say that she’s a front or a character—she’s a fragment of me that stiffens and slackens. She isn’t static and she’s definitely not always present. Despite spending a lot of my time creating content about self-awareness and personal growth, I still catch myself repeating old patterns, falling into people-pleasing, and desperately seeking out the validation that I so confidently encourage others to seek within themselves. I often become separated from the different parts of me and the only thing that acts as an anchor is writing.
The simple reason why I feel called to write is that I need to know—about myself and about others. I need to understand; I need to see around the corners and into the dark crevices of the human psyche. For me, writing has been less about honing the craft, and more about using it as a tool to tether me to reality. However, reality is also pixelated—a conglomeration of different stories, characters, and perspectives. There is no one true reality, and so I’m always on the search to understand what feels real right now. This can be through my journaling practice, where I bring my current experience into clear focus, as well as through fiction writing, where a character acts as a stand-in for me as I currently am or as I would like to be.
My writing practice has saved me in many ways but has also led me to most of my existential crises. I’m trying to become more comfortable with dichotomies, and this is no different. For anyone who wants to write, but doesn’t know where to start, consider what answers you need and begin your search. Tap into one of the many pixelations and let those perspectives and experiences guide you to an awareness you might never have had before. Let yourself step into a character and experience their perspective, even if briefly, so that you can be reminded of how intricate and expansive life actually is.
Really relate to this one! Especially the part "The person I present online isn’t one hundred percent who I am, but she isn’t a lie. She is a specific part of me". So good Katerina!
You always inspire me to keep journaling 🥰🥰